Perfect Couples (NBC – Thursday, 8:30 p.m.)

“Perfect Couples” is a romantic comedy that follows three flawed pairs trying to get it right.

Dave (Kyle Bornheimer, “Worst Week”) and Julia (Christine Woods, “Flash Forward”) are the “everyday couple,” messed up in all the “normal” ways. Dave struggles to keep both his wife and his needy best friend, Vance (David Walton, NBC’s “100 Questions”) happy. Vance and the volatile Amy (Mary Elizabeth Ellis, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”) are the high-passion, high-drama couple who bring out the best and worst in each other.

The third duo features Rex (Hayes MacArthur, “She’s Out of My League”) and Leigh (Olivia Munn, “Attack of the Show,” “The Daily Show”). Rex is a reformed party guy who has channeled his jock energy into a competitive drive to be the ideal mate. Leigh, a self-anointed relationship guru, has formed the perfect union with Rex, and now considers it her duty to mold the other couples in their image. – NBC

3 out of 10

You will NOT see Olivia Munn looking like this on Perfect Couples.

We freely admit it: the only reason that we even bothered to watch Perfect Couples is because it stars former G4 Attack of the Show hottie, Olivia Munn.  It was partly curiosity to see if she could actually act (she was always very funny on AOTS) and partly because of the very likely chance that she might wind up in her bra and panties or at least a bikini at any moment which is generally the fall-back position for network television nowadays when it comes to generic scripted television.

Needless to say, we were disappointed on both counts.  Munn kept her clothes on throughout the entire pilot and to make matters worse her acting appears to leave a lot to be desired.  Now, we are being generous with that assessment by using the term “appears” because, she may not be a bad actress at all, it may just be an issue of incredibly bad writing because everyone’s performances were terrible.  Munn’s problem is that she has no real résumé to refer to outside of AOTS and the majority of her dopey lines were simply repeating the lines of her character’s husband.

Aside from what we will refer to from this point forward as the “Munn Disappointment,” there’s really nothing good about this show.  As noted, the writing is horrible.  The jokes don’t work, the timing isn’t there and it is completely predictable.  The characters are horrible cartoon versions of real human beings and completely unbelievable.  The show literally feels like aliens have come to Earth and this is what they think American couples are like based on something they read in a magazine or saw in a really awful romantic comedy that most likely starred Matthew McConaughey.  It tries to be clever and relatable and fails miserably.

Perfect Couples: Written by aliens? Perhaps.

You may have noticed the over-abundance of Olivia Munn pics in this piece in various states of undress.  Unlike the producers, we decided that we needed to do something to make Perfect Couples interesting and actually utilize its only asset.  This show is pretty bad all the way around.

Unfortunately, we couldn’t find any short trailers for this so if you watch the video you’ll be forced to endure 4 minutes and 31 seconds of propaganda by the cast about how great this show is.  Don’t believe them… especially when Christine Woods tells you that you know couples like this.  You don’t.  You’ve never seen any couples like this ever because they don’t exist.

Watch full episodes of Perfect Couples, here… if you must.

‘$#*! My Dad Says’ (Thursday – CBS, 8:00 p.m.)

$#*! MY DAD SAYS (pronounced “Bleep My Dad Says”), based on the popular Twitter feed by Justin Halpern, stars Emmy Award winner William Shatner as Ed Goodson, a forthright and opinionated dad who relishes expressing his unsolicited and often wildly politically incorrect observations to anyone within earshot. Nobody is safe from Ed’s rants, including his sons, Henry, a struggling writer-turned-unpaid blogger; and Vince, the meek half of a husband/wife real estate duo with domineering Bonnie. When Henry finds he can no longer afford to pay rent, Ed reveals a soft spot and invites Henry to move in with him. Henry agrees, knowing that the verbal assault will not abate and now there will be no escape. Describing their father/son relationship is tricky, but Ed will easily come up with a few choice words. – CBS

The Preview (Originally posted on 9/23/2010):

Shawn:

This is by far the most unfortunate post I have to write.  You see, I’ve been a big fan of Justin Halpern’s Twitter Page “Shit My Dad Says” for well over a year now and of course, I’m a huge fan of all things The Shat is involved with but I’m sorry to say that this is going to suck.  Not only is it EVERYTHING that I absolutely hate about sitcoms with the recycled and clichéd jokes, characters and plots it’s 180 degrees backwards of the whole premise of “Shit  My Dad Says!”  Just watch the trailer below to see what I’m talking about but first read this from Amazon in which Halpern explains the premise of the book bearing the same title:

‘At 28 years old, I found myself living at home, with my 73-year-old father. As a child, my father never minced words, and when I screwed up, he had a way of cutting right through the bullshit and pointing out exactly why I was being an idiot. When I moved back in I was still, for the most part, an idiot. But this time, I was smart enough to write down all the things he said to me.’

Now please explain to me how a wise-cracking jerk of a father, who’s apparently pretty senile and his sensitive and always correct progeny bear any resemblance to the description you just read FROM THE GUY WHO INVENTED THE THING?!

The answer is simply that they don’t resemble each other whatsoever but Halpern isn’t stupid.  He must know that this is garbage and that his new-found fame from this silly little twitter account will be over in about 15 minutes and he’s cashing in while he can and you know what?  I don’t blame him whatsoever.  If a bunch of no-talent hacks like the cast of Jersey Shore or The Hills or Keeping up With the Kardashians can get paid, why not a guy who has actually made millions of people laugh?  But please, be honest and don’t kid yourself into thinking that this is going to be anything but the highest level of suckitude©.  Believe me, I sincerely hope I’m wrong about this, but I know I’m not.

AND WHY THE HELL IS HALF THE CAST OF MADtv IN THIS???

The Review:

0 out of 10

Here are some numbers: 16 in the three-minute teaser, 40 in the first act,  26 in the second act, five in the closing of the show, for a grand total of 87 for the entire 21 minutes of the pilot.

Now, at this point I’m sure you’re asking, “What exactly is he counting?”  Well, I’m not going to leave you in the dark, what I counted was the number of attempts (and, yes,  I really did count) at what the writers apparently believe are jokes and the only reason I knew that they were jokes was because of the contrived and FORCED laughter from the live studio audience.  You see, I say that the laughter was forced because there’s no way any sane or rational human being would consider those ‘jokes” to be funny.  There has to be coercion involved and I suspect that it was at gunpoint.

And do you know what you get for the 87 attempts at humor in 21 minutes (at a rate of 4 per minute)?  Two actual funny jokes… and they were both gay jokes so out of the 87 attempts they had to resort to a stereotype joke in order to be funny.. and it wasn’t even that funny.  And for good measure, they did throw in a predictable dick joke that involved a vegetable… and that wasn’t funny either.

It’s official:  this may be the worst sit-com ever made.  It is far worse than I could have imagined.  It is puke-in-your-mouth awful.  The level of suckitude© cannot be expressed in words and in fact, I’m truly at a loss as to how to describe how bad this is on a level that human beings can understand.  It’s like trying to explain how the mind of God works.  I couldn’t do it and in fact I can’t comprehend it myself.  I literally cannot comprehend how bad this show is.

Everything I said about the show in the preview was absolutely correct, but worse than it bearing no resemblance to the twitter feed, as I noted it would be, it’s everything I hate about sitcoms on FLIPPIN’ STEROIDS.  I always believe that every show, even the worst of them, has some redeeming value.  $MDS has NOTHING redeeming about it, and I can’t believe I’m going to say this, not even the Shat.

In fact, although the character development and horrible writing of this show are not the Shat’s fault, I blame him for agreeing to this project after he read the script.

Every character and every actor in this show is awful and Will Sasso and Nicole Sullivan should be banned from television for five years for their horrible performances on this.

I want to forget I ever saw this show.

Watch full episodes of $#*! My Dad Says, here.